it's been a while.

PLEASE NOTE: IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ ABOUT MY REAL LIFE, MY FEELINGS, MY SHORTCOMINGS, PLEASE COME BACK SOME OTHER TIME. THIS POST WILL CONTAIN SOME NEGATIVITY. BLOGGING HELPS ME WITH MY FRUSTRATIONS, AND HELPS ME THINK THINGS OUT. I SHOULD PROBABLY BLOG MORE OFTEN.

No reasons for lack of posting lately. Kinda been bummed lately. Been reflecting on decisions we have made, not regretting, but wishing we had put more thought into some. Life has been throwing us tons and tons of curve balls, and we keep surviving. The problem is, i don't want to be just surviving. I want to thrive. I want to provide more for my family. I want to be accomplished, but in what? I haven't got a clue. Thus far, nothing has really sparked my interest to pursue. Honestly, I love sewing, but so do a million other people. I just don't see that as a way of making a living. I would love to have a refashioning business, (remaking old items into new again) and have read where goodwill has joined forces with a designer to re purpose items from the store that don't within a specific time period. I would love to assist in something just like this.

Life with kids has been quite busy. Hayden has started kindergarten, Ady started preschool. Hayden played soccer this year, and loved it tons. We moved in the middle of the summer to a lovely house, and i spend most of my free time cleaning it. I quit my job at the beginning of September, and have been home with the kids since. It's been a big adjustment!

I have not be succeeding in the weight lost aspect. If fact, i believe i have gained about 20 pounds since i stopped weight watchers. Pathetic. Yep I know. I know how to lose weight, I just can't. (I know, it's me telling myself I can't, I can, I know I can.) I know what needs to be done, and i simply just don't do it. The gym and I do not have the best of relationship right now, but sweets and i do. They are my pit fall. Yet, i keep on baking. I have been engrossed in self pitty lately about this (bad bad bad) I keep saying why me. Why is it if I even look at sugar I gain 5 pounds. Why do some people not have to work at staying thin. Why, why, why. I just need to get over myself. Easier said than done. We'll see when that happens.

Living in B-Town has had its ups and downs. Ben and I have found it difficult to find good family friends. It's been hard to relate. Example: Small town living: Everybody knows everybody, i know just about nobody. We have met several people, but having somebody you can relate to, doing things with, and enjoy each others company is a different story. On top of not feeling like i ever fit in, I feel like I am never good enough. I'm always the fat one, the shy one, the poor one, the weird one, the dumb one, the one that no body wants to be friends with. You name it, it's me. I'm not saying we haven't met any new friends, but it comes few and far between. I feel like there is hardly anyone here that we can just be ourselves with.

That's all for now... Maybe I'll post pictures later.