Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Plain and Simple. (Warning: NEGATIVITY coming your way)

That's how I feel, and not in a good way.  I think my life has dug a rut, and I feel like I can't get myself out.  I'm having a hard time figuring out what I want to do with myself.  Some people say you need to change your mindset, I say HOW.    I try being Happy, I try being positive, it comes and it goes, but it never stays.  I talked to a "professional" about it and she said I have anxiety.  Of course I do.  Who doesn't?    How do I control my anxiety, and how do I become and stay happy.  Maybe I'm just having a pity party today, all week, maybe even all month, and darn it, I'm tired of it.

We moved to Baker City for change.  A new beginning, but honestly, its been one thing after the next since we moved... literally. I want out.  I've met a few good people (and by few I mean 3) whom i interact with on a regular basis. Everyone else either cancels on us regularly, will only call us if they need something, but are never around when we are in need,  and probably talk about us behind our backs.  Besides my wonderful husband, I don't have anyone here who I can relate to.  I am jealous of those people whom I interact with daily, that  have good relationships with friends and family.  I don't.  I cry as I write this because it makes me hurt inside to see these interactions and long for them. I don't have a best friend here, and it hurts. I see that half of this problem is probably my fault.  I am not the best friend, and I don't keep in  touch as much as a should, but I feel that people are my friends only when they need something, and it makes it hard to stay "involved."
Work is another topic that I struggle with.  I need to work, not for the money, but for the sanity.  It keeps me sane, which is another reason I am an awful mother. I love my kids, but I am not a stay at home kinda mom.  I need work, I need to fill like I am supporting my family too!  I need to feel like I am doing something with my life, and the job I am working now is not providing me that opportunity. The job market in Baker is not good, and besides the fact that no body with give me the benefit of the doubt, finding a good job is just about impossible.  I have applied for many positions, but rarely get a phone call back, not even a letter informing me that a position has been filled.   Are companies really that inconsiderate?  Here in Baker they are. It's probably because I'm fat (another topic I will discuss sometime else).

Mothering has been a struggle, too.  I never feel like I am doing a good enough job.  I lose my temper too often and am quick to yell. I hate this about myself.  I hate when I take my feelings out on my kids.  They don't deserve to be yelled at.   I catch myself while in the middle of overreacting and ask myself why?  But it happens over and over again.  You think I would learn, but i seem not to.  I see it bringing down my kids and breaking them, and it kills me to see them hurt with emotion. I don't deserve to be their mother.

So what am I to do.  Do I stay here in Baker and continue to live life, trying to have a positive attitude? Or do I move to Boise for a change?  If I move to Boise, life would get complicated, as Ben would have to stay in Baker until he is able to transfer to another Hospital, or get another job.  Where would I stay? Would I get any help from family? Would I work? Would Hayden stay with Ben so he could complete kindergarten and not have to transfer?  If I move to Boise, I would need to find another job, or go back to school.  I would hardly see Ben (and maybe Hayden) except for the weekends, and I don't know if I could manage that. Or would I make Hayden switch schools in the middle of the year?  Then I think about Baker.  Why not try?!  Change my attitude, keep working part time, until Ben transfers.  I just don't know.  My life feels like a big unknown, and I am not OK with that, so how do I decide which road to take next?



Hamilton Family said...

I love you... You are my amazing little-est sister ever(Tiff you are my amazing little sister....) My heart breaks as I read this. I want you to know that I too faced the same struggles that you are with taking your anger out on your kids.... They will never rememeber... well maybe a little... However it shows your kids that you are human... You are allowed to cry, shout, laugh, be angry, these are normal human feelings. You and Ben have to decide what is the best for your Family. I want you here... I miss you... You amaze me... All the amazing trash you turn into treasure... I, your big sister, am jealous.... However if we were all the same life would be boring. I support you in whatever decision you make. You will get the support you need if you move back. I miss you and I miss my neice and nephew.... and, ok, sometimes Ben... LOL jk.... i love you ben too... You love my food what more could I ask.... The anxiety thats normal, you are a woman, mom and wife... it is part of the package. Call me... I am never too busy for my sister.... I will always be here for you... non judgemental.... xoxoxo your big sis

Holly said...

Terah, I am sorry you are overwhelmed with life and all its glory lol, As a women I think we are programed to be run by our emotions, we are afterall emotional beings. If it helps you any I too yell, scream and even sometimes curse at my kids for even the littlest things. Changin this has been a struggle and a personal goal that I have been working on and will contiue to work on for the rest of my life. My mom tells me she yelled just as much as I do if not more, I however can never remember my mother yelling. To me she has always been patient, kind, and gentle, never loud and out of control, but yet she was. So when it comes to being a mom, you need to take some time out and look at how awesome your kids are, they listen to you even if you think they don't, they love you unconditionally, you will always be their amazing mom, even if you don't see it in yourself, they see it in you. You are an amazing person Terah and I want you to know that! You guys are doing amazing in life, times are hard everywhere and if I were in your shoes moving away from my husband would only make it harder. I am here surrounded by church members/friends that swear they are always here for me, but everyone has a life that does not involve me or my family, and it sucks to be a stay at home mom with no life outside the house, I feel like I don't know who I am anymore, this confident, independant person I was when I worked is no more. But I look at the life this way, I am 27 with 3 kids and a husband who lives at my moms house. Do I like it, no not so much, but I know that everyday I am working towards bringing my family closer, For the last 4 years we have been getting out of debt with every penny going towards paying something off, I know that every step we take as hard as that step is, and trust me raising 3 kids in a tiny house with 7 people is not easy and I hate it more then anything, but it's a small price to pay. I just keep looking at the bigger picture, we are all working towards a goal. Its been a long time coming but this year is it, we are going to be debt free Thank you uncle Sam, Andrew can finally go back to school and finish his last year towards his degree, and I can get a part time job and also go back to school, so next year we can finally have a house and support our kids and be in a great place. I guess what I am trying to say is there are obsitcles in everyones life. I know personally now that I have been a stay at home mom with no life, I have 1 friend that I hang out with every once in a while (like 1 a month) but I am ok with that because I have my kids and I have my husband, and it took me a long time to see that, they are the only things in my life that count, they are all I need. I hope that you can one day find that in your own life, it took me 3 years to see it in mine, but everything is always working towards a bigger and brighter future, hang in there, you are so very loved and supported in whatever you do :)

Cami said...

I struggle with those same feelings Terah- you aren't alone! It can be so hard to be away from family and feel alone. Don't give up- you are amazing! I love reading your blog. Don't rush into a decision, and do what's best for your family! :) Good luck!