That's how I feel, and not in a good way. I think my life has dug a rut, and I feel like I can't get myself out. I'm having a hard time figuring out what I want to do with myself. Some people say you need to change your mindset, I say HOW. I try being Happy, I try being positive, it comes and it goes, but it never stays. I talked to a "professional" about it and she said I have anxiety. Of course I do. Who doesn't? How do I control my anxiety, and how do I become and stay happy. Maybe I'm just having a pity party today, all week, maybe even all month, and darn it, I'm tired of it.
We moved to Baker City for change. A new beginning, but honestly, its been one thing after the next since we moved... literally. I want out. I've met a few good people (and by few I mean 3) whom i interact with on a regular basis. Everyone else either cancels on us regularly, will only call us if they need something, but are never around when we are in need, and probably talk about us behind our backs. Besides my wonderful husband, I don't have anyone here who I can relate to. I am jealous of those people whom I interact with daily, that have good relationships with friends and family. I don't. I cry as I write this because it makes me hurt inside to see these interactions and long for them. I don't have a best friend here, and it hurts. I see that half of this problem is probably my fault. I am not the best friend, and I don't keep in touch as much as a should, but I feel that people are my friends only when they need something, and it makes it hard to stay "involved."
Work is another topic that I struggle with. I need to work, not for the money, but for the sanity. It keeps me sane, which is another reason I am an awful mother. I love my kids, but I am not a stay at home kinda mom. I need work, I need to fill like I am supporting my family too! I need to feel like I am doing something with my life, and the job I am working now is not providing me that opportunity. The job market in Baker is not good, and besides the fact that no body with give me the benefit of the doubt, finding a good job is just about impossible. I have applied for many positions, but rarely get a phone call back, not even a letter informing me that a position has been filled. Are companies really that inconsiderate? Here in Baker they are. It's probably because I'm fat (another topic I will discuss sometime else).
Mothering has been a struggle, too. I never feel like I am doing a good enough job. I lose my temper too often and am quick to yell. I hate this about myself. I hate when I take my feelings out on my kids. They don't deserve to be yelled at. I catch myself while in the middle of overreacting and ask myself why? But it happens over and over again. You think I would learn, but i seem not to. I see it bringing down my kids and breaking them, and it kills me to see them hurt with emotion. I don't deserve to be their mother.
So what am I to do. Do I stay here in Baker and continue to live life, trying to have a positive attitude? Or do I move to Boise for a change? If I move to Boise, life would get complicated, as Ben would have to stay in Baker until he is able to transfer to another Hospital, or get another job. Where would I stay? Would I get any help from family? Would I work? Would Hayden stay with Ben so he could complete kindergarten and not have to transfer? If I move to Boise, I would need to find another job, or go back to school. I would hardly see Ben (and maybe Hayden) except for the weekends, and I don't know if I could manage that. Or would I make Hayden switch schools in the middle of the year? Then I think about Baker. Why not try?! Change my attitude, keep working part time, until Ben transfers. I just don't know. My life feels like a big unknown, and I am not OK with that, so how do I decide which road to take next?
2 weeks ago